Reminiscence.

The One Thing She's Missing:

2011-12-27T21:01:00.000-08:00

Real feelings.

Heaven forbid how I've become this way, but it is what it is. I can't feel the world around me. And I can't acknowledge it anymore.

Everything was near ideal. I had you. I had the guild. Had friends to love, a family to cherish; I had almost everything I could think of that I could've wanted. We had our ups and downs, goods and bads. We had each other. Everything was near perfect.

And then you left.

God knows why you left. And God knows why I left you. God knows why all those promises we made could never be kept. God knows why all those supposed feelings we had just disappeared one day, taking along our hopes and dreams. For everything we shared and thought we could live for; it all just shattered in that instant. There was no turning back, but we could always move forward, right? What you've become, I'll never know now, but what I've become ... is far from what I've ever wanted to be.

The #1 Rule to Life:

2011-07-19T18:47:00.000-07:00

The harder you try, the harder you fall.
The less you try, the more satisfied you'll be.

No matter how hard you try, those around you will never be satisfied.
But if you don't try, you will still find self-satisfaction in all you've done.

When you work, you're only working to please others.
If you don't work, you'll still find pleasure in what you do.

When it comes down to it, it's your life you're living, from your perspective.
No one else can change that.

Because when it all comes down to it ...

2011-05-05T20:05:00.000-07:00

No one will every be satisfied with who you are.

It goes like this. You have a happy side, and a gloomy side. Most of us do anyway. The general rule is that if you're happy, there's a tendency to make others around you happy too. It's supposedly contagious and good for your mental health. If you're happy, you make your friends happy, they make their friends happy, and you're all happy. Hooray.

But what if your happiness isn't "up to standards"? Standards? There were standards for being happy?

Apparently, there are. Maybe you wouldn't downright call them "standards", but rather, acceptance based on how you portray your happiness. And when people don't exactly like your interpretation of it, boy do they troll.

A great example is when they think you're actually mentally retarded. How the fuck does being happy make someone mentally retarded? Mental retardation is when your mind works slower than what has been deemed as "average". You find it harder to catch onto things, you tend to be the one that does the poorest comparatively, (especially when you're trying), and when people tell you that you're doing something wrong, you really can't understand why it's so bad. THAT'S mental retardation.

So how does that affect your emotions? Since WHEN does happiness = retardation. Okay. That's one thing aside. Next.

Say something and think you're crazy / insane. Even if you say something seemingly reasonable. Sorry, does moving my mouth mean I'm crazy or insane? Because if it does, then by far, you're way more insane than I am. So please go fuck yourself elsewhere. I don't need that shit from you. Insanity isn't defined as saying something random, or just for fun. It's when you actually go crazy. Because of some past event that you can't get over, so you're either hearing creepy voices in your head, or you're screaming like mad in your head .. or possibly in reality too. In any case, it's got something to do with your head. And no, it's not when you come up with some sorta creative way to try and solve a riddle you don't know the answer to.

Then there's the issue of actually talking. If you're talking, people think you're insane. If you're not talking, they go, "What's wrong with her?". The REAL question is, "What's wrong with YOU?". You're the one that caused it and you know it. If you're not smart enough to realize that, then I'm sorry, you must have a big massive block that prevents you from thinking straight up there.

The bottom line is that when it all comes down to it, no one will ever accept you for who you are because you'll never be good enough for anyone. Try your hardest to be the person you want to me, and it'll shatter you to pieces.

Time after time ...

2011-04-06T20:05:00.000-07:00

She sits in her old, ragged chair, staring at the screen for what seems like the millionth hour in a day, her lamplight flashing down onto the keyboard beneath her fingers. She can't think of anything to do and refuses to drag herself from the computer she has deemed to be an essential part of her life. The sound of the keyboard clicks usually entertain her, but lately, she's been less interested in it; everything around her, really. Her mind scans through her thoughts; her present, her future, her past ...

Her past. She can't seem to let go of her past. Often times, she finds herself thinking about all those years ago. You would think that someone as forgetful as she was would have lost these memories by now, but she doesn't. She unintentionally holds onto them as tightly as her mind is possibly able to handle, and that stops her from moving forward anymore.

"Hi," he calls on a bright summer evening. "Wanna hang out again today?"

"Sure!" she replies excitedly.

It's been going on for a week or so now, when he would call everyday, around the same time. She is always eager to pick up the phone, to hear his voice, even if it was only for a few seconds.

She quickly gets ready to leave and is out the door in no time. Although she tries not to look overly excited, you can still see her skipping every few steps or so as she makes her way down the pavement to their meeting place. Of course, they wouldn't be alone, but it was okay with her. Just seeing him sufficed for her.

"Did you bring it today?" she asks him. He nods and hands her his spare racket. She grasps it in her two hands, a smile lighting up her face instantly. "Let's do this!" she exclaims.

And so it begins, a two-on-three game of badminton, one which she always seems to lose, even with who she thinks is the most amazing partner in the world. Maybe it's that she simply can't get the hang of it yet, but she vows to, one day ... possibly in the far future.

Half an hour passes, and like usual, they move on. She hands him back his racket, disappointed at yet another loss on her part, then runs to the playscape with everyone else. It's a game of tag again, but today, she's not really in the mood. She wanders a few rounds, then proceeds down the steps leading into a field surrounded by a small ravine. The tranquility prompts her to sit upon the steps, feeling the wind through her hair. In that very moment, she feels that feeling of freedom and forgets about the world around her. She relaxes, mentally embracing her natural surroundings. Yet, she also feels a touch of distraught, as if something was bothering her. But she couldn't put her finger on it.

It wasn't uncommon though. Being subjected to sudden feelings of regret and sadness was something she was used to. Although she could never figure out what was wrong, she didn't know how to get by it. Many of the time, she would hide away somewhere peaceful, something like now.

As she tries to figure out what makes her so upset at a time like this, she feels a presence come up behind her. Slightly startled, she turns her head around, to see him sitting a few steps above, looking down to the ground. She wonders what could possibly make him upset too, but she never gets around to asking. She's too wrapped up in herself to even bother, and she doesn't look back until it's time to leave.

She taps his shoulder. "Hey, it's time to go."

He looks up, but remains silent. As she walks away, he gets up, as everyone leaves for home.

They reach the exit where they will part ways. "Oh wait," she begins. She looks away for a brief moment before she says to him, "Can I have a hug?"

He pauses and takes a moment to think. "Sure." he says. She hugs him tightly with a huge smile on her face as he gently wraps his arms around her.

In that moment, she wished it would last forever. But it doesn't.

He soon lets go and she retracts. It only may have lasted a few seconds, but she's overcome with happiness. She skips home, awaiting a new day.

She reconnects with her future. The dark surroundings, the single desk lamp that dimly shines upon her fingers. It's just been too many years to turn back. Too many years since it's all happened. And too many years have passed to be able to change it to what it used to be. She can only treasure the little memories she has left, and through these memories, it's all she can remember: that she misses him like crazy.

In Between.

2011-01-26T22:09:00.000-08:00

Since two days ago, my friend's been pretty upset. His girlfriend thinks he's cheating on her and convincing just doesn't seem to work.

& I don't know how to help him.

I tried though. I tried coming up with an argument for him. But he's kinda English-deficient. So I don't think he understands half of what I say anyway. I don't understand half of what he says.

Something about how this girl was pretending to sit on him and his girlfriend got sooo pissed. Which is understandable, of course. I'd question him too if I was in the same position. But if he's been convincing me otherwise for a good long time, I'd give up, because that would take some serious dedication. But of course, I'm not her & she's not me, so I guess she's ... persistent?

Here comes the worst part: being good friends, we've been hanging out together lately. You know, as a friend, you try to help your friends through these kinds of things. And I swear that was all I was doing. But for some reason, she's got some sorta espionage thing going on and we were 'spotted very close together'. Jeezus, can I not sit with my friend? Besides, we weren't even that close. It's like .. friend-distance. Not "up close & personal".

Having a friend that is of the opposite gender does NOT mean they are in a relationship. Nearly all of my friends are guys, but I'm married to one. And dedicated to that ONE. I don't flirt with others. They flirt with me. That doesn't make me a player. That just makes me "a girl with a lot of friends who are guys". That doesn't sound GREAT, of course. But there's nothing morally wrong about it either.

I don't know what that girl said to her, but dear god ... they divorced. She just plain doesn't believe him now and the poor guy is broken inside. I still don't know what to say to make things better. So I just give him stuff. He could probably use it better than I can anyday. I hope it makes him feel better, but as we all know, that kinda thing is temporary. You can't fix something big with something small. Unless the small thing is secretly big. ... Am I beginning to sound wrong?

Bleh. Whatever. I think it's beginning to resolve. I just hope everything works out, you know? I wasn't the cause, but I've created an effect. Life is so complicated. Too complicated for me.

The FML Moment of the day:

2011-01-26T21:49:00.000-08:00

After this damn exam, it'll be the last day I'll ever really have to look at him again.
Oh wait. I have a class with him next semester. FML.

Well, my exam's tomorrow, but my memory's severely failing me. I'm done all the review booklets (whatever I think is going to be on the exam anyway) but everytime I look back at it, I can't seem to remember how it's done. Notes don't seem to help either. Teacher doesn't teach. Looks like a dead end to me.
This is how I fail. So, how do I pass?

What's the point ..

2011-01-11T23:06:00.000-08:00

in living? & No, this isn't a suicidal thought.

My friend was telling me how he has heart disease and some other sort of stuff that I can't really remember right now. But anyway. He's been in car accidents, in and out of hospitals, in and out of relationships, and so on, and so on ...

He's also on ecstasy sometimes. And that really bothers me.

The way I see it, the only 'drug' you should be on is those pharmaceuticals they prescribe for you to cure whatever you have. Anything else would probably make it worse, wouldn't it? Adding crap to your system can't make things better. It can't. It can't...

Ecstasy makes people happy, I think. Since I haven't taken it before, I wouldn't really know. But I asked why he'd even consider going on drugs in the first place, and all he really said to me was that he was going to die soon anyway and he might as well enjoy life while he can.

Enjoyment in drugs ... it'll be something I'll never understand. And his belief that he'll die soon ... that kills me even more. People shouldn't KNOW that they're going to die soon. I don't even think he will die soon. But maybe if he keeps on those things ... It's probably better I simply don't think about it. Or talk about it too much with him.

The more you care, the more you tend to be disappointed. That's how it has been, and that's how it always will be. The more effort you put into someone, the more you'll see them fade. The more you try to help them, the sadder they will be. Try to be happy and you'll be the fakest one of all. Nothing ever seems to satisfy anyone. Nothing.

Sometimes, I wish I could make an impact on the paths I have crossed. Sometimes, I wish that people would try to look at life more positively instead of bringing themselves down. Sometimes, I wish that they wouldn't turn to drug-induced happiness and pursue something real. And sometimes, I wish I could turn back time and forget that any of this every happened. Because the more I'm exposed, the more my mental state deteriorates. And I can feel it crumbling right now.

So, what's the point in living? We're brought up to go to school, to attain an education, to get a job, to get a life, to support our lives, and then to die. Some end up enjoying life more than others. Some end it earlier than others. If we were meant to enjoy life, shouldn't we all live it the way we want to? Or are we all set on a path to become something, or to become nothing? If there is no benefit to living, and we're all destined to die ... who knows, who knows ...

It's a miracle.

2011-01-11T20:59:00.000-08:00

I will sleep tonight. Even when I have a 30% ISU due tomorrow.

That's a new one.

Holding on to ..

2011-01-10T22:59:00.000-08:00

The last of my sanity. Because frankly, I think it all disappeared the moment it all began.

You think you know the world until you meet someone completely new.

Someone you've never heard of.

Someone no one knows.

Someone who lives a completely different life than you do.

And suddenly, their perceptions change yourself, and you find yourself wondering, questioning ... what defines your reality?

In the world I live in ... No. In the society I live in, I swear I'm shielded. Was shielded. By the people around me.

I've been brought up to know that love, sex & magic is for later. And what's important now is the steps to take towards a better education and live that typical work-play-family life.

What's RIGHT is that boys love girls and girls love boys. And suddenly, in this day and age, everyone I meet seems to be gay, or lesbian, or even better, bisexual.

There's nothing wrong with it, of course. But I swear if I ever became gay or bisexual or something, my world's gonna fall apart. Or my social life, at least.

... Hold up. I don't have much of a social life. Forget it.

Or maybe .. that's my reality. In the virtual dimension, I must secretly have an alternate personality that attracts people. But wait, it's not just any people ... they tend to be depressed. Or ... "different" .. from the people I have come to know in my reality.

Of course, it all starts out the same. It's a casual conversation. They seem perfectly normal. In fact, they sometimes become your best friend. And you swear you've met someone absolutely amazing until disaster strikes.

They overly confide in you.

The next thing you know, you're hearing the most depressing stories in their world and you don't know the slightest bit how to deal with them. "Lol" won't cut it. It's bs time. And it's not DECA bs-ing. It's time to use those psychological skills. How can you cheer up someone with horrible experiences when you haven't even gone through it on your own?

Meh. It works. To an extent. You get so wrapped up in trying to figure them out that you later realize ... you're becoming one of them. But you didn't suffer any sort of tragic accident of the sort ... you're just brain dead now.

Emotions spread like wildfire, and next thing you know, you're the one begging for someone to pick you back up on your two feet, so you meet another supposedly normal person. In fact, they're so charming, it's too good to be true.

It's way to good to be true, actually. Because every time you try to cheer one up, the other gets depressed. This isn't the state of equilibrium, people. This is fucking with people's lives.

The best part is when you try to resolve it. Be depressed to one person and the other things you don't care about their problems. Speak about it to the other and they think you don't trust them enough to even talk to them anymore.

Seriously people. What the fuck.

In all my years of living, I've never met people so depressed as this. In all honesty, I didn't even think my mind would succumb to this. But here I am now. Broken. Torn. Exhausted. What more do you guys want from me?

Let's start all over. Because this is getting to be too much. You meet new friends, you have more fun ... What kind of fun? Game fun, of course. Ahahahahaha.

Everything's great. But you know ... people love people that care. .... "Care".

Here's the bottom line of friendship: You be there for me, I be there for you, we're all happy. And that can be on nearly any scale.

But you know ... there is a line to breaking up people's mental state. And trust me. I don't like breaking up other people's mind. I probably can't anyway.

So don't tell me that you're having sex with your gorgeous D-cup twins with whipped cream when you're afk. Especially when you afk a lot. It makes me want to see the toilet more often. For all the wrong reasons.

And that's only one thing. We're only 17. Isn't sex for after marriage? Am I missing something here? Did you want kids before you're even through puberty? Because I've never known of anyone having kids before they're 20...

Until recently. Why the fuck would you have a child at 17? How can you let her walk around the school six months pregnant? Does that make you feel proud of yourself? Have you ever thought about how she feels? How does she feel anyway? Let me guess. She likes it too.

Since WHEN has teenage pregnancy become a fad among highschoolers? Because last time I checked, my school didn't HAVE any pregnant people. Except for the occasional teacher walking around with her pregnant little tummie. But that's an exception. They're married. And adults. And probably know that sex is for children, not for whipped cream.

Anyway. I've lost my train of thought. I need to do my homework. It's due tomorrow. Fml.

And that's a real fml. Because it's not the kind of fml that blows people's minds and scars it to the point of no return. It's normal.